He looked like a hipster before it was unhip to be one. His name was HO, short for Hans-Otto, pronounced Hah-Oh. As kids we loved him. In the eighties he chatted with people from all over the world by radio. An aged, rattled box tossed into the back of some dingy room in his house. He had a broad, fleshly face, actually, he looked a little like Bukowski. Maybe he was a bit like him, too. Conventions did not interest him terribly, and shock was his favourite means of communicating.

Him and my aunt lived in a house with a pool, and, since they had no children the place had the aura of a factory hall to us. Mammoth! His beard was constantly unkempt, and at times I wondered if he had morsels of food from last Christmas still stuck in there. One day he set out to bite my tummy, and I literally imagined he would move his head back with a huge shred of torn flesh stuck to his teeth and obviously his beard.

He was a baptist pastor who was unlike any other baptist pastor.Although he and his wife have not been living together for years they remain married, yet another thing no one really understands. I miss him at family gatherings. He made us kids laugh. I wonder if now, thirty years on, he would still have us in stitches? One saying that would make us choke with laughter was what he said before excusing himself for the loo: I have to abseil something. HO! Hohoho!



We went to watch Interstellar yesterday. What a movie! Time and space is bent, and, yes, I won’t give away much more, just in case you want to go see it. It spoke of the idea of peeping back in time, looking at a younger you from today’s perspective. At times, one does not need a wormhole to do so. We can manage quite well by ourselves. Yes, I have had moments where I wished those days back, before, you know, the rape took place.

I was a happy-go-lucky girl, popular, student body president, on my way to pursue a career as a model. And, wham, in an instant, all that was changed. Instead, I developed an eating disorder, my mind played tricks, separating me from my former group of friends, things basically went haywire. Those carefree days I would often yearn for, when life was simple. In no way can I make sense of what happened, but, I have stopped trying to figure it out.

It was a long process, spanning several years. Some things simply won’t make sense in this life time. One pivotal point was actually something as banal as exercise. I began to view my body as less of an enemy and made a peace treaty with it. Tracy Anderson actually interviews a psychologist somewhere who advices their clients to use exercise as a means to get out of the victim mentality. I can confirm that.

At times I wonder what my life would be now had none of this happened. Well, it did, and I frankly don’t know if I would go back in time to change that. I would certainly go back in time if I could change only that, but I suppose many things I enjoy today are a direct result of this heinous crime that was committed. For instance do I enjoy my mind a great deal and I doubt I would have developed it had I become a serious model, no offence.

If I could bend space time, I would go back to the creation of the world, easily! God asks Job several chapters worth of questions surrounding this very moment in time. If I could go back to peek, wow, that would be it. The mighty awesomeness of it all, and me, hanging overhead, in some safe capsule, watching it all unfold. I must say, that truly would be supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

Quit playing games

A key to someone’s heart, imagine. Of course, I would not abuse such power. Ever! Come to think of it, I probably would! At some point this key would serve a purpose not entirely pure and the havoc caused would maybe span over several generations to come.

In Dostojewskis’ Сон смешного человека, Son smešnogo čeloveka, The Dream of a ridiculous man, he describes marvellously well how even one person’s evil intention would have devastating effects on the entire planet. At times I wonder how it will be when we see the real impact of all our actions, how far reaching they really were?

Until death do us part

Yes, the most outrageous claim found in the Bible is that of a resurrection. Something awaiting us after death, as death is merely a door into another place. We are not to come back to finish a task here or to pay off our sins as is the case in some re-birth ideologies. Instead, it is a done deal, once you are dead, that’s that.

Neither camp has strong points speaking in favor of their position. Those claiming that there really is nothing after death have not yet been reporting anything in that favor. Their main point is that there is absence of evidence FOR there being something after death, so they take it as evidence for their thesis of there being NOTHING after death.

Those who claim there to be something after death have no evidence either. There is only theoretical knowledge about it in written form. The Bible makes this claim over and over and backs it up with various historical events, yet I can fully understand how someone would find that to be hardest to swallow. Love thy neighbour? Makes sense. Be resurrected?!

I am one who comes to view this to be the one claim the Bible seeks to support over and over again, throughout its entirety. It’s whole theme runs as follows: “This is not it, there is much more to come”. If that is a true claim, it would be immensely necessary to gather as much information as possible in regards to that fact.

A book consisting of several books written over a time span of a few millenniums seems to be a good way to back up such a grand thesis. I find ample evidence surrounding me and in written form to speak of the existence of the supernatural next to the natural. How these two are interlinked is still not quite clear to me, but I have a whole life time to try and find out.

So, this life is a waiting room. No, we are not to sit around idly and do nothing, yet, it is the room from whence we are called forward into the presence of the King. I am waiting for the Creator of the Universe, for that moment when we are face to face. I may sound mad to some, yet, what awaits you once you are no more in bodily form, and, are you absolutely certain of it?

Dairy Queen

Quite easily you can apply the above title to me. I am hands down the dairy queen. We spent a considerable amount of time in Switzerland, the home of cream heaven. Yes, limited funds inhibited our butter consumption, but apart from that, cheeses and fantastic milk were flowing like milk and honey.

The place my family lived next was close to a dairy farmer. My mum would cycle there daily to get us warm milk straight from the horses mouth, I mean, cows udder. We would drink it immediately upon arrival and the cream top, almost like a cork stuck inside the bottles’ neck, would be considered a delicacy.

The hubz enjoyed complete opposing tastes when growing up. His dad, and subsequently he himself, hated everything dairy. They never even went as far as touching anything dairy, let alone consume it. My cheese consumption has plummeted since we are married, since it would always mean cooking two dishes, and I frankly can’t be bothered.

So there was my birthday, the hubz disappears into the kitchen and is very secretive about it. A few hours later he emerges with a most delectable dairy dessert, only for me to enjoy. It had all creamy goodness, including raw eggs, something he too, despises, and topped off with more creaminess covered by yet another cream layer. Easily the best gift ever.

The dress

A wedding was never high up there on my bucket list. In all honesty, for many years I swore I would never get married. Yes, I suppose there was a parental issue that made the prospect of marriage simply too daunting. For almost a decade our mum openly suffered what seemed to be from her marriage. Simply put, I never wanted what she had. Never!

Yes, I loved my dad, but how would things be different for me? I understand how people are reluctant to get married today. A deep distrust is ingrained in us and those perimeters that used to keep things in place are exploding onto a global scale. Surrounding community is ever changing and so responsibilities are no longer as solid as maybe they once were.

At the end of the nineteenth century, 95% of men in Paris frequented prostitutes. I guess numbers were not much different elsewhere, so I don’t mean to say that several populations of angels has been suddenly replaced by an evil deceiving and distrusting lot. Certainly, wanting to cheat on one’s spouse has always been practised way before online dating made it so much more convenient.

Lying has always been around, only it’s tools change over time. My parents did not cheat on each other, yet at times their respect for each other was at an all time low. So, what changed in my life to make me take that step? To answer this would take an incredible amount of time. Read my “about” page for an attempt of answering.

Roughly two years ago I found myself on the way to the airport to get married to the only person on this planet who has ever understood me. My fear of marriage was so ingrained, even two days prior I nearly walked off. I was on my way home, and, approaching a street corner leading to the major train station, I intended on taking the next train to anywhere, just to flee.

In that very instance my then fiancée called. The timing was so perfect and got me straight away back into a peaceful mindset. I am convinced it was a divine interference. As was the fact that two days later, when already arriving at the airport to get a plane to the US, I realized I had forgotten my passport.

That was not miraculous, rather the fact that I managed to get it on time. Our marriage was pretty unconventional in that it was no huge affair. Every girl dreams of having a huge party. I don’t. The moment though I put on the dress the weight of the impending decision dawned on me. It was as though the entirety of the decision was sewn into it.

By stepping into the dress I stepped into being a wife, into making a decision that will impact me immensely. I pulled the dress up and I felt the magnitude rising parallel to the level of the dress. I felt to be at the centre of gravitation, yet at the same time the most remote from anyone else in the universe. I was making that decision alone.

I believe the I do to be the most transcendental moment in any person’s life. It signifies two concepts that are not found in matter alone, but only in the supernatural. Identity and free will. Saying I do pays homage to the fact that we are, after all, individuals in this universe and that we can make choice that affect not only ourselves but others around, sometimes for a life time.

Being married is so far the worlds best thing ever. Prior to getting married I asked no one for advice on getting married.  I figured most would probably warn me of the negatives, all of which I however knew first hand. I would have needed some one to inform me of all the beauty that was awaiting me. I prayed, no one showed up. Guess I now have the privilege to learn this for myself, first hand. Do I? I do!



by theodotdoron

“You drink coffee, I drink tea, my Dear.” This most beautiful song can be rewritten by us, the hubz and I.

It would go something like this:

“You love cheese, I despise it, my Dear. You detest tartar sauce, I indulge in it, my Dear. You take your coffee milky, mine is black, my Dear. Dry cake is delectable to me, your choice is juicy, my Dear. I eat pork, you eat beef, my Dear. Cats for me, dogs for you, my Dear. Goulash for me, stews for you, my Dear.”

This song would have roughly twelve such stanzas, for everything the hubz finds appealing I not only have a neutral position to, but I actually oppose it strongly, too. Even now, almost two years into our marriage, we still find things that fall into this category almost daily.

There is a scene in the big bang theory in which Amy and Sheldon try to pick a Halloween costume for both of them. There is a circle containing those Sheldon likes, and one that Amy likes. Both circles contain several names, yet the intersecting set, where both circles overlap, is empty.

We watched it before Halloween and had just tried to find a costume for Halloween we both liked. Obviously, watching this show was too hilarious at that moment in time. Obviously, we agree on one important factor, our belief in God. I guess, the rest is just detail.


Unicorns can fly

Waiting patiently for the miraculous to happen is my greatest weakness. Yes, I am waiting and waiting for that flying pig, for the cow that, when sheared, gives wool, and can also lay eggs. I wait for the impossible to arrive. Until then I spend my time with disappointments and escapism techniques, since cockroaches are simply a far cry from Unicorns.

So, that phone call. It would inform me that really, gosh, all those day dreams, they were not wasted time. Instead, Darling,

“I should have told you months ago, all these things will be a reality. Starting today, you can finally get on with things instead of just waiting for them to happen. Yes, being a unicorn coach is now within an arms length. Actually, even closer. Look outside. See that trailer? Yes, the Unicorn is white and called Traumtaenzer! Enjoy the possibilities!”

I won’t mind the cold when I step outside, I will not notice my aching back or the constantly swollen legs or the fact that I do not need a mobile since no one ever calls me. No, I am finally useful instead of just, well… Oh, look! My! Gosh, what a beautiful Unicorn!